the feeling of indifference

For the past 6 birthdays, I’ve wished for a perfect year.  Sure enough, each year has been better than the last. They’ve been filled with love, experience, self improvement, laughs, happiness, opportunities, life lessons and the like. This year I foolishly wished for something else, something that ultimately hindered my chance for all that. It was a bold move coming from a girl who just wanted popularity and a feeling of worth, but I’m happy I wished for something different. Because of my wish, I finally learned who I was.  

Today I deactivated my Facebook account because it has made me feel nothing but self loathe. The deleting of my account symbolized something grand and royal in my life. I was seeking the improvement of others with my ballsy shared posts and depictions of understanding the world around me.  It was beyond the “oh this is cool, let me share it.” It became a medium for my obsession of how others should see things as well. I wanted other people to see that we should be using things and loving people, not loving things and using people. Sadly, that was just my opinion.  And to be frank, my opinion means nothing. 

Today I have had an unusual amount of flashbacks to when I was a shy, nervous wreck (yes, I can’t believe I was like that either). That misunderstood girl I was, she’s blossomed into a misunderstood woman with good intentions.  I’ve lost sight of who I was and social media is one of the reasons why this happened. At some point, the whole world became a stage.  I had to take and be in photos to ensure that they would end up in the publics reach. I had to be watched.

Whats worse is that it became a way for me to lose the real meaning of trust. I used to trust easily until my relationship with Liam (not his real name but for the sake of his own security I’ll just give him that name).  I fell in love with him too quickly, for this reason his lies stung even more than they should’ve.  This distrust came when he asked me for my log in information in return for his. It brought me into this whole persona of a detective. I read his past messages and felt as if they were happening at that very moment, it felt as though I was being cheated on. 

I can’t believe it took a relationship with a boy two years younger than me to lose sight of who I was. I’m still the girl who loves to dance like crazy, go to parties, meet new people, watch movies, work out, etc: but I’m coming home to who I really want to be.  My time with Liam may have proved that I finally know what love is, but maybe he’s not the one I want to be in love with

So I’m returning to my sociological routes. I want to observe people and keep writing because it’s something I truly love to do. I don’t need Facebook and to be on the constant watch because the only person I want to please is myself. To be honest, screw Liam.  I do not regret spending 30 months with him, but he doesn’t deserve my tears anymore. I understand why he’s upset with me but when you love someone, forgiveness is the only option. I hope my time away from him and staying away from the greatest-social-media-life-sucker empowers me.

They say the opposite of love is indifference, so indifferent is how I shall feel.

 

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